


It's always been you

by L_Miss_Sunshine



Series: When you're ready to know it [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Kalex, More Kalex, Pseudo-Incest, Sequel, True Love, don't read this if you're not comfortable with a Kalex ending, seriously it's just a Kalex overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-11-09 02:02:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11094582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_Miss_Sunshine/pseuds/L_Miss_Sunshine
Summary: This is a sequel to my story “When you're ready to know it”. I strongly recommend you to read the first story before starting this, otherwise things may be a little confusing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back! I'm so glad you've found the way to this story. It's been one of my favourite projects so far, as I usually don't get myself worked up with ongoing stories.  
> As much as I like Supercorp, my shipper heart rests with Kalex and I just thought things between Alex and Kara didn't really come to an end in “When you're ready to know it.”  
> If you've read "When you're ready to know it" and you're not comfortable with a Kalex ending, please feel free to just leave it with the Supercorp ending ;)  
> So please enjoy the ship sailing into the haven of happy endings :)

We live a good life, Lena and I. It's quiet, as quiet as it can be. Even though it's been five years now, we still haven't managed to share a flat. Somehow, I know I need room for myself. A part of me doesn't want to admit it, but it's also about having room for Alex and me, too. We seek and crave those "sister nights", at least that's what we used to call it before that night on her balcony. The night Alex decided to keep things exactly as they were, but it was also the night Alex stopped calling me sister.

It's been five long years of happiness and closeness, both, with Lena and Alex. Both were home to me all the way. It's been exciting and new, especially the nights and I revelled in the sensation of feeling Lena's warm skin against mine. Nights that made me feel at ease, secure even. But even in Lena's arms, I felt something tugging at my heart from time to time. It was light and thoroughly situated in the back of my mind, only making sounds in those nights, a dull knocking that reminded me of a loss I hadn't really experienced. Even Lena couldn't make it go away.

I watch the bright morning sun over National City now. Lena has send me a message, but I couldn't get myself to answer yet. She wants to know if everything is okay, but it isn't. I know it isn't, even though I feel differently. Right now, I feel like belonging, like my whole life was supposed to come down to this very moment, like I had been waiting forever, but now, now it's alright.

I wish there would be words to describe it in a way that Lena could understand. She says she does, but I know she'll never truly do. I wish she could understand that all of this has nothing to do with her, but I know it's not possible to put this in words. It just feels right.

 

If I'd have to say when things started to get worse, I would say it was the day after my first Christmas with Lena. We went to see Eliza over the holidays and it was just beautiful to have them all together. Lena had to leave in the morning, of course it had something to do with work. I'm not going to lie, but I was pissed and it was Alex who managed to calm me down over the day. To be honest, Alex seemed to be the only one noticing that something was off.

I lay awake that night, a total of three hours until I crawled out of bed to make myself a nice cup of hot chocolate. I was just about to head to the living room when I heard a floorboard creaking, soft steps placed on the stairs and I knew it was her. A tiny chuckle exited my mouth when I saw she carried her gun.

"You don't honestly think I would let a burglar anywhere near this house, do you?" I whispered and Alex cocked her head.

"Of course not. I should've known it was you. Who else makes noises in the kitchen."

"You should be asleep, it's four in the morning Alex."

"I have every right to drink hot chocolate in the middle of the night, too." Alex smiled. I watched her reaching for a cup. Her small form was as fragile as ever, but my eyes lingered just a second longer on her face and the delicate way it was framed by her hair. A well known feeling of comfort filled me as I leaned against the counter, just a bit closer to her.

"So... Lena's working a lot, huh?" Alex said without looking at me. Ever since Lena and I got together, it was almost a bit uncomfortable to talk about our relationships with each other, at least, that's the way I felt.

"I don't really wanna talk about this..." I mumbled back. Surely, Alex must've sensed it. Her body shifted nearer, just a bit, but I was afraid to meet her eyes.

"You sure? Cause I've seen the way you've been acting ever since she left and I'm a bit worried."

"It's nothing, really."

I made the mistake of looking into her eyes. Instantly, I felt the need to spill out my deepest thoughts and feelings to her.

"Okay..." I exhaled. Alex's hand came up to softly stroke my shoulder as I leaned into her just a bit more. "It's... just complicated and stupid. I know she's just doing her job and as a CEO she cannot just drop everything for the holidays, just as I, as Supergirl, cannot stop saving people even at the holidays and I just cannot understand why it's bothering me so much, because it has nothing to do with me, she was very upset this morning, just because she really didn't want to go. Why am I being such a jerk?"

"You can't change how you feel Kara. Just talk to her about it. If anyone would be open about this situation, it's Lena."

Alex's words sank in slowly. It took me several seconds to realize that Alex was right. Of course, she's always right.

"Just call her tomorrow... and for now, if you want, I can keep you warm as soon as we're on the sofa watching a really bad horror movie. Seriously Kara, how're you not freezing?" Alex chuckled, playfully tugging at the hem of the oversized shirt I was wearing. I didn't want to, really, but feeling Alex fingers accidentally grazing my thigh did something to me I couldn't even describe.

I followed Alex to the couch, almost instantly curling up against her when she covered us with a blanket. I buried my face deep in the curve of her neck, sighing at the unique smell that just instantly makes me feel at ease very time. I remember listening to the sound of the remote as she zapped through the channels. Finally, she actually found a horror movie. I don't remember the name or anything else, really, I completely blocked it out, because it was that moment on the couch in our childhood living room, where I knew I would never feel like this with anyone else. Not even with Lena and it scared me to death.

Alex's right arm held me tight, her left hand was slowly stroking my right hand that rested on her stomach. Suddenly, I remembered all those times we had sat like this before, always close, always comfortable and caring. I remembered Alex tender touches, that were, although thoroughly innocent, intimate in an emotional way. Simply feeling Alex, hearing and feeling the blood pumping through her veins made my fears go away in an instant. I wonder, if someone had ever seen us like that, what that person might've thought about us. We looked like a couple. My thoughts tried to shift away, to a possible future and, again, to all those "What if" questions that had been haunting me ever since the night on her balcony. I managed to snap out of it though, remembering that we both had made a decision.

I fell asleep in her arms and until this very day I don't know if it had been a dream or if I really did wake up sometime later when she was asleep, too. I remember briefly pressing my lips to her neck though and it was the beginning of the inevitable desire that keeps haunting me ever since. It had been platonic all the way, but in that night, it changed for me.

 

I turn around, away from the window and the sunlit roofs of National City. Remembering that night makes me feel guilty. Maggie hasn't been the same either ever since, at least not to me. She found us in the morning, sleeping and lying in each others arms. Alex said she'd talked to Maggie about us before, but I'm not sure what exactly Maggie knows and if she knows the whole story. I cannot help but admire her strength and trust. Of course, we made a promise, but...

 

Two years after the christmas-incident there had been a moment in the DEO lab. I had been injured with kryptonite again and it left me in just my bra on the operating table with Alex's hands on me. We agreed on not calling Lena, because, really, it was nothing serious anyway, but I was so relieved she wasn't there, because whatever was going on there between Alex and me, it was so apparent.

I could see it in her eyes that were searching mine with worry in them, when she felt me tensing up after her hand came in contact with the bare skin of my stomach.

"Does it hurt?" she asked, of course, she thought she'd hurt me.

"No." I whispered back. "It's... it doesn't hurt."

A shade of confusion flashed over her face, but then she must've understood. I felt it in the way she put her hand back down on my stomach and hesitated for a moment before she started to move her palm over my skin softly stroking up around my rips to the wound that still held a small piece of kryptonite in it. I was trying to remember to breathe, both, out of the slight pain and of excitement. A blurry image of us lying in bed flashed before my eyes and just as I told myself to snap out of it, Alex blenched, standing up immediately. Her eyes searched the room, looking everywhere but at me. For a second I was left in shock as I watched her walking around the table.

"Alex..." I whispered, not knowing what to say. I could see in her eyes that she was terrified.

"I know, you're in pain... I'll get this out in a sec..."

"It's not..."

"I know Kara..." Alex exhaled as she removed the kryptonite. "I know."

Her movements stopped as she faced the floor again. It was the same Alex I'd seen sitting at my dining table years ago, the night she told me about her secret. She looked miserable.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked, slowly sitting up to have a better look at her. The Alex I knew would've searched my eyes and tell me something wise and true, but the bundle of pain I was looking at just shrugged and faced the floor.

"I don't know."

 

We kept it hidden, shoved it into the back of our heads. We focused on our relationships. Except for Maggie's suspicious looks that I had to face from time to time, it was almost just like nothing had ever happened. We didn't talk about it and kept our distance, physical distance that is. We were used to the platonic aspect of our love and that has never been a problem in the first place. I could love her while easily being in love with her and it had never been a painful thing until it started to get physically problematic. I cursed myself. I didn't want to hurt anybody, of all people I didn't want to hurt Lena. My gorgeous, beautiful and understanding Lena. I thought about telling her many times but chickened out in the last minute. I don't even know what I would've said. It's too late for that anyway now.

My eyes land on the couch in my living room. How many times we sat on this couch and how many times things were so uncomplicated. There hadn't been this overwhelming need that threatened to consume us with every second a little bit more. Things hadn't been painful in those "Sister nights" on my couch, until...

 

Earth-birthday last year. Maggie had insisted that Alex should spend the day with me. Just the two of us. Of course we didn't protest, more so because we didn't want to look like anything was wrong. I remember us sitting on opposite sides of my couch, each with our own bags of chips.

"This is ridiculous." Alex hissed out of a sudden. I didn't dare to move my eyes away from the TV, because I just knew I couldn't stand the look on her face, whatever look it might've been.

"I know." I mumbled.

"Look at me."

"I can't..."

I felt Alex shifting next to me, felt her warmth as the palm of her hand came in contact with my shoulder. I felt just like breaking into pieces. We hadn't touched at all in weeks and the sudden relief that flooded my body brought tears to my eyes.

"We can't go on like this..." Alex whispered. She was close, but not close enough. Instinctively I lifted my hand to cup hers.

"Will it ever go away?" I whispered back. It was what we had hoped for all these years. That it would magically go away someday, but the day had never come, it only grew to be even worse.

"I don't know... all I know is that I can't go on like this... I swore I wouldn't let it break us..."

Alex voice was smooth and I just realized how much I'd missed all of this, lying close to her, feeling her low voice and breath touching my cheek. I automatically leaned in, lifting her arm to put it around my shoulders.

We stayed like this for hours, never moving away from each other as the time flew by. It felt like an eternity, but at the same time it felt like even eternity wouldn't be long enough.

I shifted away a little when my back started to hurt and when I searched Alex's eyes a second later, I knew she felt the same way. We exchanged small chuckles and instantly lay down beside each other only to be close again.

I remember watching her chest rise and fall as my head lay on her shoulder. It was so quiet and peaceful, I could hear her heart beating, could even see the dust particles flying around.

"How can something that feels so right be any wrong?" I asked while my fingers boldly stroked over her stomach in small circles.

"We have good lives Kara. You have Lena... and I have Maggie... we should be lucky..." she whispered and, feeling the vibrations of her voice through her skin, I felt the need to press my lips to her neck again, but I didn't.

"We should be." I replied instead. Thinking of Lena made my heart clench. It's not that I didn't love her, but it was different with Alex. So much different.

She turned her head to me and pressed a small kiss on my forehead. When I looked up, I met her eyes that tried to tell me so much at once, but I felt it more than I could ever explain.

I raised my hand and cupped her cheek, slowly stroking along her jaw and her cheekbone as we kept looking at each other. It was then that I felt her arm pressing me into her just a little more. I watched her face, her delicate mouth as she opened it just a bit, but no words came out. Her breath was all over my face and just breathing it in felt like a revelation. For this moment, we were simply there, together, as soulmates. I remember I stopped thinking then, as time seemed to stop for us. I remember feeling light-headed and a strange tingling sensation that started in my stomach and claimed my body within seconds. I remember that we both leaned in and I remember that it was the perfect mixture between need, passion, softness and shyness that made this kiss as unique as it was. I had kissed many people and so did Alex, but this was beyond anything I ever witnessed and ever will witness.

 

It was just this one kiss on my couch, that may have as well lasted an eternity, honestly, I don't know, but we refused to talk about it, refused to make anything big out of it. We kept it there, in our hearts the whole time, week after week and month after month. From time to time we would seek each others presence, would hug a little too often, would stroke each others cheeks or kiss the other's forehead. People started to wonder and eventually, it was Lena that started a conversation about it.

 

It was Maggie's birthday, three months ago, when Lena came to me. She'd been drinking a little and maybe that was the reason for it. Of course, Alex and I stayed away from alcohol that night, because we didn't want to loose our precious control.

"I need you to answer a question for me." Lena asked as she dragged me out to the balcony.

"Anything you need, love." I replied. It was the tension in her shoulders that told me that whatever was to come would be a struggling situation.

"Five years ago, to the day, I promised you that I'd never give up on you." she whispered. I remember feeling goosebumps all over my body when she said it, but it was not because of what she said, it was the way she said it. Her voice carried a worry that I hadn't heard in years.

"I see the way you're acting lately... I don't know what happened between you and Alex, but you literally went from not-even-hugging-anymore to... I-don't-even-know-what to, but it's... I've been talking to Maggie and it's... we're not quite sure what's going on. Please tell me what's going on."

"I'm not sure I understand... what you mean."

"Don't do this to me Kara, don't lie to me. You're barely sleeping lately, I catch you smiling out of the sudden in the middle of a conversation, just when I think you weren't even listening. We still don't live together and we hadn't had proper sex in weeks, so don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about!"

"I don't even know what to say..."

"I'm trying here, Kara. Just as I promised, but I cannot do this without you. We're a team, remember?"

I still don't know what I told her that night. Anything but the truth and I still blame myself for it. Lena is one of the best things that have ever happened to me and we shared so much. I owe her so much and this is how I repay her.

I finally go back to my bed, slowly crawling into the sheets, that have gone cold, but they still smell like her. I cannot help but feel happy and sad at the same time. Everything has changed in just one night.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm back at the DEO, trying with all I have to ignore the fact that simply everything had changed in just one night. I do the things I always do. I'm having knife-training, stamina training, defence training and it should be as always, but it isn't. Eventually, I lock myself up in the lab. My mind is on overload right now and I can't stop thinking about these past five years, about those little moments that have brought us to this point of no return. The damage is done and it shouldn't feel right. It shouldn't feel like the best thing that has ever happened to me. I shouldn't be happy, but deep inside, I am. Remembering her breath on my face, I suddenly realize that it had been inevitable, that it had been so obvious this whole time. Everybody saw it, way before I did.

 

It must have been a few weeks after Kara and Lena got together. We went shopping together, just us two, like we always used to. It could've been just one of those ordinary shopping days, but I clearly remember the shock that went through me when we bumped into Christian Orlando.

"Alex! My god, it's been so long..."

"Uh... yeah. Quite a while now I guess." I replied. I couldn't help but shoot Kara a glance when she tugged at my arm.

"This must be your girlfriend! Bobby said you've officially joined the community. Congrats! Somehow I always knew you were one of us!" Christian rambled with lots of hand gestures and his annoyingly high voice. "I'm Christian honey, Alex and I went to college together."

"Uh... we... uhm." I tried. At least I tried.

"I'm not her girlfriend..."

"Ooopsie, my fault sweetheart. You two looked so intimate together from over there, I just needed to know."

I remember I felt nauseous out of the sudden. Kara withdrew a bit just as I realized how close we actually were. Oddly, I felt caught, like the day mom found us wearing her clothes when we were kids. Kara had loved those dresses.

"It's... we... uh.. we're..." I just couldn't get myself to form a coherent sentence, neither did I know what to say at all. A few months ago I would've said we're sisters, but we weren't, not anymore. As crazy as that sounds, as you could possibly change from being something like sisters to... anything else.

"Soulmates." Kara suddenly said. "Excuse us Christian, it was nice meeting you, but we have a bus to catch and a lot more to do today. "

"Alright honeybee, don't do anything I wouldn't do, too. This one here is the nicest flower you can get!" Christian replied with a wink. I wanted to vomit right then. Right in his face. I know it sounds hideous, but that's how I felt.

Kara and I didn't say a word all the way back to her apartment. I remember her staring out of the window when we were in the car. She looked a million light years away.

"Why didn't you tell him?" she eventually asked as soon as I closed the apartment door behind me.

"Tell him what?"

"That we're sisters."

"Because... that's... not what we are Kara."

"That's not true Alex. You've been my sister, all these years."

"You're way more than that to me and you know it. You've always been more than a sister. I don't know about you, but I've had those... this... since... " I couldn't continue, because I was deeply ashamed, because I had lived with this dirty little secret since the day Kara landed on earth. I had cursed myself and buried those feelings deeper and deeper.

The look on Kara's face was simply not readable. She looked through me with an intensity that made me dizzy.

"Since the day I met you." she said. I remember it so clearly. It cut through the moment like a sharp knife.

"What?"

"I've felt this way since the day I met you. Not in a... of course not in a physical way, but... I was ... you were so beautiful, I just couldn't stop looking at you..." Kara said with an oblivious smile. I don't even know where to begin describing what I felt in this moment. It was simply overwhelming. Knowing that I wasn't the only one thinking about physical attraction, I was tempted to tell her, to finally give in and tell her what she really meant to me, what I had been craving for all these years, but I reminded myself of the situation we were in. Kara had just gotten together with Lena and I... I just moved in with Maggie. Things were good.

"How did we get back to this?" I mumbled. Hurt flashed over Kara's beautiful face and it made my heart clench in pain.

"Somehow we always do, don't we?" Kara's voice was low as she sat down at the dining table, facing away.

"Next topic."

"Alex..."

"Please Kara... please..."

 

I hear myself saying those words over and over again. It could've been different back then, if I wouldn't have been stoic enough to still believe that this would go away someday. The past five years would've been different and who knows, maybe the hurt wouldn't have been so deep. I cannot help but thinking about our first Christmas with Lena. I cannot stop thinking about this conversation Eliza and I had the morning Maggie found us sleeping on the couch. Maybe, I really was just blind.

 

"Alex, honey... is there something you'd like to tell me?" Mom said when Maggie was upstairs packing her things. Kara went on a Supergirl mission and I remember the funny feeling I had in my stomach when I realized we were both alone in the kitchen.

"No. Why are you asking?"

"I don't know... Kara said you two had some sort of a fight and that it's still a complicated thing."

"Mom, please don't worry about that. All is fine."

"I know you Alexandra and I know your sister. Something's wrong with the two of you. Is it about the whole gay thing?"

"What? No. Nothing's wrong. Kara and I are getting along as perfect as always."

I could feel her eyes staring at me even though I faced the trees behind the window. She knew I was lying and she knew that I knew. That's what mothers do, they always know.

"Whatever it is, I hope you know that you can trust me with everything. You're my daughter, I love you and I'll never judge you or the decisions you make. I just want you to be happy!"

Something about those words makes me think that she'd already known back then. The second I felt her hugging me from behind, I felt the tears in my eyes. It was then that a memory came back to me. To this day, I don't know if it was an actual memory or if it had been only a dream, but it was almost as if I still felt Kara's lips on my neck.

 

"Hey Alex, have you seen Kara?"

I move away from my desk and turn around only to see Winn leaning against my doorframe.

"No... I … I haven't seen her since... haven't seen her. Why?"

I can see Winn's eyebrow arching up. There's something about his look that makes me feel uncomfortable.

"I don't know she's still not here and that's kind of really not-Kara-like and I wanted to show her my newest invention, which, by the way, should be also interesting for you!"

"I'm sure she'll be here soon. You want me to call her?"

"She's not answering her phone so..."

"Oh... I see. Uhm..." See, that's the one thing super-agent Alex Danvers was never good at: lying. Because she said she would come in later to have some time to herself. She said that to my face as we lay in bed together this morning. "I'm sure she's fine, but I'll stop by her apartment, just to be sure."

I get up, instantly grabbing my things when I hear Winn's phone ringing.

"Oh, it's her, no worries. Oh and, by the way, I don't think anyone else noticed you coming in late today, thanks to my super powers that worked magic on the check-in-server."

"Thanks Winn." I smile and I think him winking at me is another sign that everybody else might not be as oblivious to it as I've been.

Thinking about facing Kara again, here at the DEO makes me feel so uncomfortable and so happy at the same time. I still see her, wrapped up in the sheets, her beautiful face almost completely covered by golden locks as one of her eyes keeps looking at me. It is such a beautiful picture that I'd like to see every morning for the rest of my life. But still... I need to do something before we can have this and it's what makes me feel so sick right now.

 

Minutes later I'm talking to J'onn as I hear Winn's voice calling out her name.

"Finally, the hero has decided to join us!"

"Sorry... Winn... I kind of... I had a troubled night."

"Yeah, I don't think I want details on tha-"

"Lena broke up with me."

It is the most uncomfortable silence since that evening in Kara's living room when we decided to get Chinese food. Strangely, it feels really similar to that now. Winn's eyes keep looking between Kara and me and I know I should say something, but I cannot think of anything else other than having eaten a doughnut for breakfast.

"That's..." Winn starts, but it is J'onn who eventually manages to form a full sentence.

"I'm sorry to hear that Kara. Take all the time you need."

"No it's okay, I need to work now, that's all I need... work."

I don't think I've ever seen her like this. She isn't even looking at me and her fingers... I've never seen her fingers twitching at her hair like that before.

"Good... I can help with that!" Winn says.

 

I try to stay focused on my work, but it's all too much. Thinking about what's ahead of us and looking at her now... now that everything is different and I have to face Maggie later. I have to talk to Maggie. I haven't heard anything from her since yesterday, not even after I told her I would stay with Kara for the night. I keep replaying yesterday's events, but it only raises more questions and less answers.

 

I remember I sat on the sofa in Lydia's living room. It was an odd situation, because Maggie and I rarely ever get to meet up with friends. The conversation was back again at our jobs and I was sick of pretending to be with the secret service again. Maggie's friends were nice, but also very, very nosy.

I felt the vibrating in my jeans pocket and was tempted to ignore it first, but my gut told me it was something important. I remember the second I read Kara's name on my display very well, because all of my attention was completely focused on the words I read a second later.

'Lena broke up with me.'

"Alex?" I heard Maggie ask through a cloud of dizziness. "Babe, what's wrong?"

I kept staring at the display, partly even hoping that the words would change. A strange, forbidden happiness boiled in my chest, but I just didn't want to enjoy it, not even a bit. I wasn't supposed to feel happy about this.

I felt Maggie's hand on my thigh and remembered that she was waiting for an answer.

"Uh... uhm... it's Kara... she says Lena broke up with her..."

I felt Maggie tense even before I brought myself to look at her and there was a certain look of pain in her eyes that I just couldn't stand to see.

"Oh." was all she said. She rose from the sofa without a word and went over to the kitchen. I got the silent hint and followed her, ignoring the looks from her friends.  
"Lesbian draaamaaaa" I heard someone singing from behind and I was tempted to turn around and glare at them, but I didn't want to make things worse for Maggie.

"Maggie..." I started, but she just raised her hand to tell me to stop.

"You should go. She needs you now."

Something about the tone in her voice was deeply disturbing. It wasn't the Maggie I lived with. I'd never seen her like this. She looked sad and, in some way, even resigned.

"Are you sure? You... you're..."

"Go Alex."

She framed my face with her hands and softly leaned in for a kiss that I'm sure I'll never forget. I didn't know what it was then that had felt so odd about this moment, but I understand it now and even thinking about it makes my heart clench in pain. I still feel her embrace afterwards, the way she held onto me for dear life. It was a silent goodbye, a farewell even.


	3. Chapter 3

"So, you're not looking at me..." I say when we're left alone in the lab. It's been a busy day and I feel weak under the pressure of the situation. I cannot stop thinking and worrying about Maggie and all in between, my thoughts go back to yesterday night's events. Kara is shifting, eventually leaning against the desk. Her eyes close for second before I can hear the tension in her voice.

"I'm trying to pretend like nothing has changed just as we decided to do"

"And you think not looking at me isn't suspicious?" I answer, careful to sound as soft as I feel. My body craves for her touch, a new and odd feeling that I manage to allow myself for the first time. I know I could take her hand into mine and it would mean so much more now. I could stroke her cheek and feel her leaning into me and it would be okay now. But I don't.

"Oh I can't help it Alex, I see your face and it's like a thousand butterflies run through my belly and I literally feel the blood rushing to my cheeks." Kara says with a radiating smile that is all for me and I cannot really believe that we've come this far. We actually did.

"That is... so cheesy..."

"Yeah I know... super cheesy... but that's how you make me feel and I love it. I love every second of it. Seeing you, touching you like this..." her hand reached for me and she slightly pulls me closer. I know that the agents outside can see us through the glass, but I let her pull me into a tight embrace.

Her nose and lips touch my neck, just in the right angle to be unobserved, but the look on my face probably tells everything. I want to close my eyes, want to fall into this moment and never wake up from it again. Kara is all I need, through her, I breathe. I hold her tightly as I feel her lips placing a kiss to my neck.

"We'll have this... all of this very soon."

 

I arrived at Kara's doorstep just a few minutes later, but I hesitated with the key in my hand. I knew it then. I knew that everything was about to change. I felt it vibrating through my body, a revelation that had always been inevitable. We had known this moment would come someday, but suddenly I couldn't feel ready for it. I felt myself trembling, the blood pumped through my veins and my heart kept beating like a drum, on and on and on.

Kara.

My sweet little Kara, the one thing I never really could get enough of. The one thing that I always thought to be forbidden, but it wasn't like that anymore.

The door swung open before I could bring myself to use my key. Kara looked at me like a little puppy. I knew she'd been crying, her rosy cheeks were still wet and her eyes... her beautiful eyes had never been so beautiful before.

"You're hesitating." she whispered with a cracking voice and I felt a shiver running down my spine.

"Don't tell me you're not afraid, too." I replied. We didn't move for another few seconds until the corner of her lip curled up into a tired smile.

"I'm never afraid of anything when I'm with you."

I kept looking in her eyes then, those big blue eyes that only told the truth. I could see relief in them. In one fluent movement I took a step forward. She leaned into me to close the door behind me. Her hair was still a bit wet from the shower. I felt it against my cheek just for a second before she pulled back again. She didn't say another word when she went to sit on the couch.

"You really look like a lost puppy Alex. Come, sit with me." she said, patting the empty spot next to her. I willed myself to move, even though it felt like a part of myself rang the alarm clock in the back of my head. This was dangerous. This was so different. This was so wrong.

"Kara... I don't know whether it's a good idea to be here now... you're... hurt and confused and-"

"I'm seeing things very much clearer now. We're both right where be belong Alex. I can't pretend anymore and I can't keep denying myself the only thing that I've ever really wanted..."

My feet were moving. I was drawn to her like a moth to the light. Her hands reached for me as I sat beside her, pulling me into a soothing embrace. I lay my head into the crook of her neck, breathing in the heavenly scent of her shampoo.

"They know. They've known for quite a while now. Both of them, Lena told me she's been having discussions with Maggie about us." Kara whispered and although it wasn't news to me, the shock of hearing it out loud was undeniable.

"That's why she left you?"

"That's why she left me. I've spend the last 9 hours thinking about this whole thing. I am so tired Alex... seeing you suffering, feeling guilty and hurt. It doesn't have to be like that anymore."

I wanted to say something, but I felt her leaning backwards while pulling me with her. We came to rest in each others arms. Just like the last time, a year ago, the night we'd kissed, but this time it was me lying in her arms and I was being the weak one.

"It's over isn't it? Maggie knows... the way she looked at me tonight when I told her Lena left you... they made a decision for us, didn't they?" I whispered. Now, finally, my body started to relax. I was brave enough to move my hand along her waist, up to her ribcage and over her bellybutton. It was a blissful feeling and oddly combined with a dull ache in my chest that came from the sudden realization that my relationship with Maggie was over.

"At least someone finally had the guts to make a decision." Kara whispered back. I felt her breath and her lips on my hair, her kisses slowly wandering down to my forehead.

"I cannot even feel devastated. It's like... like I've slowly gotten used to the idea of this moment over the past five years."

"God Kara..." I whispered, leaning myself up on my elbow to have a better look at her. Our faces were so close. "This will change everything. Just imagine us, you and me and the look on my face and on everybody else's when they get that we're..."

"We could keep it to ourselves, for the start." she whispered. I felt herself leaning up as her hands reached for my torso, tightly gripping around my waist just a bit too much, but she wasn't thinking straight, let alone controlling her powers.

"Is that what you want? Hiding?"

"Oh Alex, for gods sake I just want to be with you! I've been carrying this wish with me since I was 13 and I finally understood that it will never go away. Please stop resisting, too."

It took me another few seconds to fully understand the depths of her words, but eventually it got through my brain. The war was over.

I leaned down to kiss her then and it was far from being hesitating this time. It was perfect in so many different ways. I felt her hand in my hair and the other quickly found it's way under my shirt, stroking the hot skin of my back. I let myself fall into her, gasping at the feeling of her warm body against mine. The sensation was overwhelming and it only made me want more. I just felt like having almost finished a marathon and the end was so close that all of my body desired the relief with an aching pull in my chest. I kissed her like we were about to die in the next second. I wanted this for the rest of my life. Now that I felt her like this, I knew I couldn't go on living without it anymore.

She kissed me back with force, touched me with a furious passion that probably made it impossible for her to control her powers. Both of her hands wandered around my waist and pulled me into her so much, that I felt the air was pressed out of my lungs.

"Kara." I whispered in between kisses and the low groan that escaped her mouth was simply hot.

"I know, it's... so... unbelievable..." Her voice was breathy and it sounded so unlike anything I'd ever heard coming out of her mouth. It was thoroughly thrilling.

"I can't breathe." I whispered back against her rosy lips that just couldn't stop to reach for mine.

"Me too... I never thought it could be like this." She replied and I wasn't sure, but it somehow felt like her voice had just gotten thinner and raw with desire.

"I know what you mean... it's... I feel the same way, but apart from that, you're kind of squashing me right now..."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" she squeaked and immediately retrieved. She covered her face with her hands and let out a frustrated sigh. "Usually I'm better at controlling myself... it's just.."

"Kara it's oka-"

"It's just that it's you... and I..."

She let out a struggled breath and finally lifted her hands to frame my face. Just then I noticed her flushed cheeks. She looked so different then.

"I know exactly what you mean..." I whispered back. I stole another kiss from her and just the feeling of doing it whenever I wanted send butterflies to my stomach. She kissed me back, this time more hesitant, but still passionate and I wanted to go further, needed to rush things, but I knew we shouldn't. Images came back into my head then. Maggie in the bright morning light with open and tangled hair. My Maggie. My girlfriend.

I pulled away and tried to keep my eyes shut, because I couldn't let Kara see the shock in my eyes that came with the sudden realization that I'd never do this with Maggie again. I was betraying her and she sat on Lydia's couch, knowing that I did.

"I want this." I said. "But right now..."

I finally opened my eyes to see the same hurt in her eyes that I felt.

"Right now, all is a bit too much, I know." she replied. Her hand carefully stroked my hair as I let myself sink into her again, this time a bit lower so I could lay my head on her shoulder.

"Maggie... it's... now I realize I have been getting used to this breakup over the past five years, too. But it's still devastating in a way..."

"Of course it is. You love her."

"This whole thing breaks my heart Kara..."

"These past five years broke my heart every day a bit more... and I know you felt the same. We've tried... but things didn't work out the way we'd hoped for... now we have to try something different, don't you think?"

I lifted my head to look at her and I found myself wanting to kiss her lips again. The need to do so was stronger than anything else I felt in that moment. The pain pulled at the back of my head, but everything else was just in love with this beautiful and incredible woman that I'd wanted for almost two decades.

"Okay." I whispered before I tried to kiss her again, but right in that moment, my stomach growled and I just realized that I had forgotten to eat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, uh... it's been a while. I hope there's still ANYONE reading this ;) I worked at lot on it, as it's such an emotional chapter and I didn't want to disappoint you ;)

"Have you heard from Maggie?" Kara asks as I eventually pull away. I'm fully aware of the fact that people watch us now. It's always interesting when Supergirl is close to someone, even for an agent. She is like some goddess to them, a patroness that came from heaven, but to me, she is just Kara, the woman I love.

"Not a word. I was tempted to call her, but honestly... I don't even know what to say."

"I don't think you need to explain anything Alex. She's a smart woman with extraordinary observation skills that has spend the last six years by your side. She knows."

"She knows... don't you feel... I don't know... omitted? They just decided this behind our backs... they could've said something..." I say, but I regret my choice of words as I look at her again. I can see the slight shade of hurt on her face and I instantly feel the need to tell her that I'm okay with the situation now, but then again, she knows, does she?

"Lena tried to talk to me at Maggie's birthday party a few weeks ago, but I somehow got her to drop the topic. I didn't tell you, because I didn't want you to worry about it... but she told me about their conversations then... I guess I was just so used to shove this topic into the back of my mind..."

"It's alright. We should focus on the present."

Kara looks at me like a lost puppy and I just want to pull her into my arms again, placing kisses to her cheek while holding her with all my love, just like last night. Her beauty is captivating and I suddenly realize that she is some sort of a goddess to me, too. It almost seems impossible to not be in love with her.

"Always the logical one, aren't you?" she says with a smile that makes me feel so alive right now. I feel the prickling on my skin, the electricity of the air that surrounds us, it's almost as if I feel the heat coming from her, a magical thing that keeps drawing me to her.

"I'm the head and you're the strength. Perfect combination I'd say."

I can see her lips parting in order to protest, but she stops dead in her tracks when I blow her a kiss before turning around to leave the lab.

 

 

 

We sat on her couch for hours, slowly eating pizza as if we were about to die if we would ever finish it. I knew she felt it too, the fear of the unknown ahead of us. I saw it in the way she shyly seeked my eyes and smiled like she used to do whenever I had to encourage her to do something new and important, like dancing on her first party, driving with her first bike or even going on her first date. She turned to me with everything, except for one time, I realized then. That one time was her first time with Lena. She'd never lost a single word on having sex with Lena as I never did about having sex with Maggie. Strangely, that had always been the one thing we could never really talk about.

Suddenly, having this big, giant elephant in the room, the thought seemed almost unbearable. Sleeping with Kara... just thinking about it freaked me out more than anything had ever freaked me out before. Compared to this, my coming out was baby poop, same as my first kiss or my first time with Maggie. I could barely stand the nervousness of simply having her looking at me like this, like I was supposed to do something. Not while we're eating pizza at least. At one point I was sure, I would never finish eating that pizza.

"Is it just me or is this sort of awkward right now?" Kara shyly asked. She sat next to me with her knees up to her chest, holding them with her arms as if she was a thirteen year old alien girl on a foreign planet again. And we did just make out on this couch. We did. We kissed like there'd be no tomorrow. I could still feel her hand on my stomach, the heat that had surrounded us as our bodies had moved on their own. How did we just get back to thinking too much?

"No, it's really awkward, like super awkward." I replied and finally, after another two seconds, put down the remaining piece of pizza. "I don't know what to do now, this is all so new and so... awkward. Can you believe that we.. just... kissed like that?"

"Yeah, I don't know... I... it... is somehow strange to believe, but... looking at you now... I... kinda..."

It was hard to read her face then. She just looked at me like I was a complicated puzzle. There was this crinkle on her forehead again as she sat there, completely unmoving for what felt like an eternity. Doubt flooded me then, fear and a slight panic. What if she realized that all of this was a huge mistake, that it hadn't really been what she'd wanted?

"Kara... don't scare me..."

"No... it's not..." she shook her head, slowly reaching for my arms to pull me closer. I let her draw me into a tight embrace as I felt my body getting completely week as soon as her skin touched mine. I felt safe again a second later. Her strong arms held me in place and I felt her throat vibrating against my forehead when she spoke again.

"It's not like that... I was just thinking about how... how you've always been the one to make decisions for us, the one who always gave me confidence when I needed it and now... it's... I don't care what we do tonight. I just know it will feel right and good and beautiful and I will find confidence with you, because I always do... and we're in this together. How could anything go wrong with us being together?"

It's the silence that said everything. The way we only listened to the other's breath, feeling the other's body heat and the tenderness between us that confirmed what had already been confirmed a million times over. I pressed myself into her, slowly rubbing my nose on her neck before placing a small kiss there to silently say "I love you" and she replied "I love you too" equally silently by running her hand through my hair and placing a kiss onto it. The world was whole then and I had never felt more alive in it.

 

 

 

 

I feel my heartbeat in my throat and ears as I shove the keys into the door of our apartment. It's thoroughly odd to think it is the last time I do this while being her girlfriend. I still consider myself as her girlfriend even though I have spend the day with Kara at the DEO, hiding small gestures and looks. I feel dirty and guilty, but strangely, also happy and confident and I cannot deal with this odd mixture of feelings.

Maggie sits at the dining table. I can see her profile as she leans on her arms, holding a cup between her hands as she looks out of the window. She doesn't say anything. I don't say anything. I only get rid of my shoes and bag and hesitate with the closed door in my back. A whole day of thinking about what to say to her is absolutely wasted as I cannot find anything to say that remotely feels right.

My feet walk on their own and I don't know what to do so I just sit down next to her. How many times did we sit here like this? Now it's doomed to be the last time.

"Alex..."

Her voice is barely a whisper. She's been crying, I know that and it causes my eyes to water, but I do not want to cry now.

"It's okay."

"How can you say that Maggie. I can hear your voice and it's not okay." I break mid-sentence and now I can feel big, hot tears running down my cheeks. She shoves away her cup and then I feel her hands on mine, slowly caressing them in a way only Maggie can do and I realize again just how wonderful she is.

"I'm sorry." I try to say between the heavy sobs that leave my mouth and my vision becomes so blurry I can only blink away the tears that just won't stop coming. "I tried."

"No one ever tried harder to change the inevitable than you did Alex. Don't blame yourself."

I feel her hand caressing my hair as she pulls me into a soothing hug and I can only hold onto her, helplessly fighting my tears. Seconds pass by and they may have been hours as well, but at some point by tears run dry and Maggie's small form has stopped shaking with sobs. It's just us sitting there in between the pieces of our broken relationship and I cannot help but noticing that I have no regrets.

"I don't wanna lose you Maggie." I finally whisper. She tenses up for a minute, but then her hands continue stroking my hair.

"I'll be right here if you need me. Just give me a little time..." she whispers back. I slightly pull away to look at her again and she looks at me with a mixture of love and sadness in her eyes. It's the same look she gave me a million times over the last five years, I suddenly realize. She must've known from the beginning that we would end up this way some day.

"Promise me something Alex."

"Anything."

"Just be happy for once."

"I was happy with you..."

A sad smile lingers on her lips as she takes my hand into hers again.

"Sometimes it's just not enough."

I lean back in my chair, completely exhausted out of a sudden, now that the emotions go back and I'm starting to feel calm again. Kara's right, things are so much clearer now.

"I'll move out as soon as possible..." I say and it sounds so unlike me, but I don't want her to be in pain.

"Technically I decided to leave you and the one who gets dumped keeps the flat so-"

"No Maggie, no! You're only leaving because of me..."

"Alex, it's fine. I'm staying at Lydia's for a while. Her neighbour's moving out soon and I already send in my application for his flat. It's a nice little apartment, very central, just the right size and prize." Maggie says with a smile that I know is her fake one. It hurts so see her like this and I can only shake my head.

"Maggie..."

"Break ups hurt. They're hell and I feel absolutely miserable and will continue to feel miserable for ages probably, but it's the cost of love and when I think back to what we had... every second of it was worth it."

One look into her eyes tells me that she's absolutely honest and I can see the love and gratitude in them as she leans forward to place a soft kiss on my forehead. Her hands glide through my hair as she stands up. I watch her walking over to the door and only then I see her packed bag standing next to it. I want to say something, but no words can leave my mouth. She lifts her bag, turns to leave and hesitates, just for a moment.

"Tell Kara... tell her..." I cannot see her face as she's facing the hallway, already one foot out of the apartment and my heart aches so much. "Tell her it's okay."

And then Maggie's gone.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm tempted to look after her, but somehow I know she just needs time. The same time I needed after Lena left me. This whole process is hell and I would give anything to take away their pain. Alex's, Maggie's and Lena's... and mine. I feel miserable when Alex isn't near me to remind me of the good reason for all of this. She's mine now. I try to tell myself that she's mine now and that the long wait is over, that we can finally have this full and happy life together. Only remembering waking up next to her this morning just makes me feel giddy. I picture her sleeping form that has changed so much over the years, but she only grew to be even more beautiful. Alex Danvers, my number one earthling, that heavenly creature whose arms kept me warm at night, who made me feel safe even in the darkest of hours. She's mine now and we'll have all of it soon.

I take my Chinese takeout, as always not really understanding what the woman in front of me says. Still, it's Lena's superpower to understand her. My thoughts go back to that night we kissed the second time and the memory seems so far away, even though I clearly remember it. I already feel like it's a part of something long gone and it makes me feel guilty. I should moan the loss instead of easily putting it to my past.

The streets are calm and I decide to walk for once. I wonder if Alex intends to stay at home tonight with Maggie and worry floods me instantly. Maybe, I misread the signs? Maybe, leaving Alex was never Maggie's intention after all? I only have Lena's word on it, but maybe Lena didn't understand the situation correctly herself?

I already feel my body tensing up, ready to speed up and fly to her apartment. The need to see her is so overwhelming, but then... then...

I see her. My Alex. Sitting there on the stairs in front of my apartment building like a shrunken bundle of pain.

"Alex!" I hear myself calling. My whole body moves on it's own and I suddenly feel myself running. She lifts her head and gets up. Just a second later I fall into her, wrapping my arms around her so intensely that I have to remind myself of controlling my powers again. Seeing her, feeling her takes such a great weight off my chest.

"I was worried." I whisper into her ear.

"Don't be..."

It's her delicate touch, the way she leans into me that tells me we're okay. Her small form seems weak in my arms, although she's one of the strongest humans I've ever met. She's exhausted, probably even more than yesterday night, when she fell asleep in my arms on the couch. I carried her into the bed where she'd slept like a log until the next morning and I have no doubt that it won't be any different tonight.

She withdraws and I can clearly see the tired look on her face. I only take her hand and guide her upstairs all the way up to the bedroom where she suddenly stops, dead in her tracks.

"I'm sorry Kara, I can't... not now..." she whispers and I feel a chuckle rise in my chest. It's not my intention to take things to the next level now, of all situations definitely not now.

"How about you take the bathroom first and I'll make things ready for dinner?"

It's a small smile that tugs at her lips and she looks quite drugged as she leans forward to press a kiss to my lips.

"Sounds perfect."

Sounds perfect... that's what she said this morning, too, I remember.

 

 

I woke up in her arms, breathing in her unique scent while her hand slowly stroked along my back up to my shoulder and down my arm to finally take my hand into hers. I knew she knew I was awake already, but we just stayed like this, equally afraid of exiting our pretty little bubble. We'd shared our beds before and occasionally would cuddle a bit back then at her parent's house, but it had never been like this. The boundaries where gone and just a look at the outlines of her breasts, not far away from my face, send a shiver down my spine. It was thrilling in so many ways and just as odd, too.

"You're okay?"

I didn't know where to start. I let go off her hand and placed mine on her belly, slowly sliding down to her hipbone until I felt her tensing up.

"Your body feels so different now..." I whispered, remembering the thousand times that we'd seen each other partly naked or touched occasionally and it hadn't been a big deal then.

"It's the same body that fell asleep on you yesterday before anything really could happen at all so..." she chuckled. I finally lean myself up on my elbow to look at her stunningly beautiful face and the love that was written on it.

"I have no words to describe it, really. It's just different, but good-different."

"Good-different? Sounds perfect to me... " she said with a witty smile and I think I felt the reality slowly sinking into my mind then, fighting down the butterflies in my belly. How I wanted to let myself sink into this beautiful moment, but things with Maggie were still waiting for a solution and poor Maggie woke up alone that day, probably knowing Alex was with me and in my arms. I felt so terrible.

"Can we please have five more minutes? Save the worry for later Kara, we'll have enough of it. Right now... can we please just enjoy... this?"

Her arms pulled me into her and just as I felt her fragile form against mine, I couldn't resist. I brought our lips together, lightly brushing mine against hers and it turned into a perfect kiss. It was as innocent as our feelings for each other, deep and passionate and I remember I felt this particular sense of being home, a strange sensation in my chest that just told me I belonged there in her arms. I never wanted to stop kissing her.

Minutes passed by and we kissed and cuddled and just as her hands wandered under my shirt and along my back, the alarm clock pulled us back into reality.

We froze for a minute, only listening to our slightly laboured breaths and I felt her thinking. I let myself sink into her once again, burying my nose deep into her hair.

"What are we going to tell everyone?" she whispered.

"Nothing. For now... at least not until you've talked to Maggie..."

"Okay... we should get up, it's late already..."

"I think I'll need some time to myself... just a little while, I'll be there soon."

Her eyes told me me she was afraid, but before I was able to say another word, she placed a lingering kiss on my lips that made me forget the whole world around us.

"Take you're time... it'll be a rough day."

 

 

It has been a rough day indeed. I watch her eating, clearly without appetite and it's silent in my living room. Her wet hair slightly moves perfectly around her face and I cannot help but stare at her, for the first time in years as intensely as I want to. I could explode every second out of pure love for this woman and it might scares me a bit, but I've learned to accept the effects Alex Danvers has on me.

"Will you keep looking at me like this for the next few days?" she asks and I can see the corners of her lips turning into a smile.

"I will never stop looking at you like this."

She laughs and finally puts the food away. Her exhausted smile is honest though, she likes the attention.

"You know... I used to look at you like this, too. When..."

"When...?"

"Uch, forget it." She's clearly embarrassed. Her cheeks turn bright red and it suddenly feels so foreign to me to see her like this. It's deeply attracting though.

"When?" I ask, instinctively moving closer.

"I get what you mean... it feels so much different now..." she says, her voice barely above a whisper and the air around us gets heavy with an unknown desire that startles both of us out of the sudden. Her body is so close, I can feel the warmth coming from her, can clearly hear her rushed heartbeat and I never want this to end.

I take her arm and pull her up from the couch and into my arms. It's tender, the way she seeks contact, the way her lips shyly seek mine and I suddenly feel her trembling.

"You're shaking..." I whisper against her lips. She slightly nods her head and withdraws.

"It's been too much today... I can't get over the heartbroken look on her face... she doesn't deserve this..." The hurt in her eyes only reflects mine and it's mixed with the sting of guild that comes along with being that close to each other. I feel her mind going back to Maggie whenever our kisses get too intense, whenever our hands are about to explore the forbidden fruit. It's almost unbearable and I'm wondering how long it will take us to get over it.

"I know..." I finally answer, shoulders hanging as I turn to leave for the bathroom. "Both of them didn't..."

 

 

Hours later I'm wide awake. Alex passed out the second her head hit the pillow and I cannot stop looking at her, peacefully sleeping in my arms. Still, all I can think about is Lena's face after she closed my apartment door behind herself, almost two days ago.

The look on her face... I knew it right away. I knew that look, as I had seen it many times over the past five years, but this time, it spoke of the end.

"We need to talk." she said.

Nothing good ever comes from these words. Ever.

"I know I promised you something... to never give up on you... and it's ridiculous, because deep inside, I've always known that I would have to break that promise some day..."

"Lena..."

She only shook her head and I was frozen as I watched her standing there, shoulders hanging, out of breath and so... so broken.

"Don't to this..." I heard myself whispering, but she didn't even seem to hear me.

"I was so stupid, tried not to see what was going on, I really tried and it's kind of good to hear that I wasn't the only one stupid enough to ignore all of it, but I still feel like the biggest idiot on planet earth. You... I... I can't even blame you... or her... or anyone really, because it's just love. It's always been just love..."

"I'm not sure I know what-"

"Oh come on, you do know what I'm talking about. For gods sake Kara!" and with those words the tears started to fall heavily down her cheeks. "I always knew... you belong with her."

Words died in my mouth as I watched her crying and I wanted to do something, safe us from this inevitable change, but my hands were tied.

"Maggie and I... we're not willing to tolerate this anymore... to see you suffer, both of you... she says Alex is distant, too. Sometimes... Kara... sometimes I have the feeling you're not looking at me when we're in bed, as if you're imagining..."

"Please don't leave me..." Was all I managed to say. Desperation flooded me as I felt the tears in my eyes and I couldn't even fight them.

"Don't make this harder than it is. I've made my decision, Maggie's made her's."

"And what about me? Where's my decision? Why is everyone always deciding around me?"

"You've spend the past five years trying to ignore the fact that you have to make a decision Kara, don't complain about not having a decision! I'm doing you a favour here... because I love you and you're not happy and that's all I ever wanted for you, to be happy."

 

I remember those words and the aching in my chest so vividly now, even, or maybe especially, with Alex in my arms. It's what you do, when you love someone, you sacrifice all you have to make that person happy. Maggie and Lena acted out of love for us and all we can do to honour it, is to be happy with each other.

Her breath hits the skin of my neck and it's the pure feeling of home as I close my eyes, already drifting into a dreamless sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh... I honestly have no idea how this chapter happened... none of this was planned, it just came across my head, but I kinda thought it was relatable... in a way?! Anyway, please let me know what you think about this, because all I could think while writing this was: What's happening?!

All I can really do is focusing on my work. Living in someone else's apartment and sleeping on a couch really does improve the level of pure exhaustion I've been living in the last days. My car is my save place now, it's were I don't need to hide from my colleagues. I'm sick of seeing the worried expressions on their faces, of hearing the same words over and over again. "You'll be fine"... it's what I tell myself from time to time, too, when I see my face in the mirror. I've been crying, I've been a whimpering mess, but I'm still Maggie Sawyer, a badass detective, a good person.

It was the right decision and I don't want to regret it. A few years from now, we probably would've been at the point of no return and eventually, would've been filled with endless regrets and unsatisfied desires. It's not what I want for her and it's not what I want for myself. Three days have passed by and I still see her face covered in tears when I close my eyes. I ask myself how in gods name I was able to be that reasonable, but then again, I've spend the last five years knowing I'd have to be reasonable some day. It's what makes me a good detective, a good person even. This mixture of logic and morality. Right now, my heart is pounding like a drum. I just have five more minutes to myself before I need to get back to work. Five minutes of being lost in a miserable heartbreak and then I'll be back to being Detective Maggie fucking Sawyer.

I turn on the radio, ready to get into the right working mood with one hell of a classic as I suddenly hear the distinctive sound of Michael Jackson's "The way you make me feel" and it's just like someone just shot a bullet into my chest.

 

 

 

The bar was crowded, as usual on a friday night. I remember feeling dizzy from that magical cocktail Alex had come up with. She didn't tell us what exactly it was, but I was sure it contained a lot of vodka. More vodka than anything else. Alex was drunk as well, I could tell because she was fumbling with my thigh under the table and her cheeks were deliciously flushed as she looked at me with heavy bedroom eyes. It was then that I heard the characteristic bass line of "the way you make me feel" coming through the boxes and from the corner of my eyes I saw several people jumping up, clearly attempting to dance. So did Kara. At first, I didn't really pay much attention to her as I was focused on watching Alex's beautiful smile, but then I noticed her gaze wandering and I knew in an instant she was watching Kara. She was looking at her with that particular fascination in her eyes that had always made me insanely jealous. I couldn't stand watching her secretly pining over Kara. After all, it was so apparent for anyone who knew them. This sort of closeness and the way their bodies always used to be drawn together somehow, magically even, their restlessness gone as soon as they could feel the other's presence. Alex's eyes wandered lower, taking in Kara's hips that were gently swinging from side to side, coyly at first. Suddenly, I felt more like a camera, as if I wasn't there with them, as if they were trapped in another dimension and I was just looking at them through a mirror-like portal. Kara's eyes were closed as she let the rhythm go through her, completely unaware of the attention she got. Lena's hungry gaze was on her as well and I couldn't tell which one was more in love with her, Lena or Alex. A heavy sting flashed through my chest along with a burning sensation in my gut that told me again what I had tried to ignore so many times before. Alex wasn't mine. Alex would always be hers.

 

 

 

I watch Lydia's lunch box on the passenger seat now, but the nauseous feeling in my stomach still keeps me from eating. I don't want to be that miserable, don't want to feel so alone and unloved right now, but I also know it's just a part of the process. I'll be fine, someday.

 

 

 

Two days later, I run into Supergirl at the National City Hospital, just after she took down the bad guys and freed the hostages. She looks stunningly perfect, as always, even after, what she would call, a "successful superhero's noon".

"Maggie..." she breathes as soon as I'm close enough to hear it. Any fool can see her Supergirl mask crumbling and everyone around us seems to recognize the tension that's in the air.

"Supergirl." I say in perfect Detective-manner. I can be professional. I can be so professional that it scares me sometimes.

"I know you hate it when I take your jobs away..."

"No it's okay... the world needs Supergirl... You did the right thing."

It's such an awkward moment, awkward enough for the people surrounding us to take a step back. Everyone gets back to their duties and we're in the middle of a very loud chaos while we look at each other and it's just as awkward as comforting in a really strange way.

"I'm sorry..." she finally whispers and it's spoken with absolute honesty, I know. She's always been so damn honest to me.

"It's not your fault... it's nobodies fault, stop feeling miserable about it, okay?" I say, swallowing down the lump in my throat.

"You shouldn't comfort me, you shouldn't even be this... I..."

"Kara it's okay. Really, I'm a grown up an we're friends, aren't we?"

Her eyes stare into mine and it's the pain in them that sends a shiver down my spine. She looks miserable and it almost drives me mad to see her like this.

"I stole your girlfriend." she whispers with a broken voice.

"Who'm I stole from you in the first place. I always knew... it was just a matter of time."

"We didn't want to hurt anybody..."

"Well hurt is what comes along with being in love... Have you told Eliza?"

Her face falls as her body is struck with an unknown mixture of shock and pain that eventually makes her look to the ground.

"No! No, it's... we haven't told anybody and it's not even really official, you know? It is a tensed situation for us and we don't wanna rush into things..."

"Rush into things? My god, for how long have you been dancing around this now? Twenty years? It's painful to watch you guys, I mean painful in so many ways. I had to push you together and it wasn't even my job." I say with an unintended amount of anger out of a sudden. Kara takes a step back, now looking like a deer in the headlights and it even makes me feel worse.

"Thank you Maggie... for letting her go, you know she never would have left you..."

"She would Kara. I always knew she would and maybe I just couldn't stand the thought of it and had to do it myself... somehow I thought it would be easier this way..."

My eyes land on a cloud that weirdly looks like a tiny dinosaur, because I just can't look at her now without bursting out into tears.

"You're such a wonderful person and friend Maggie. There are very few people who'd do something like this..."

"Take care of her."

"Always."

 

 

 

 

Hours later, I'm ready for a drink and Lydia's couch, but there's someone sitting on the stairs right in front of the flat.

"Lena?"

"Oh... hey... it's where you live now, right?"

I can tell she's drunk immediately. Her rosy cheeks are flushed and in a beautiful contrast with the paleness of her skin. She looks like the sleeping beauty after three days of partying around.

"Seems like I'm not the only one having a rough time... why are you sitting here?"

"Because your friend is not at home and I've got nowhere to go." she mumbles as her head falls back against the wall. "Will you let me in now? These stairs are starting to hurt my beautiful butt..."

I cannot stop the chuckle that rises in my chest from getting out. Drunk Lena always is a guarantee for a fun night.

"Alright beautiful butt, get up."

Lydia's flat is a mess, but I couldn't care less, really. Lena doesn't even leave a comment, that's how drunk she is. She's very obsessed with cleaning up things, a reason why I really don't want her in my kitchen everytime she's around. At least, that was before... now it's Lydia's home anyways.

"We're sharing our pain Maggie." Lena murmurs as soon as she lets herself fall on the couch. "You're the only one who understands me. Leaving... I mean... having to leave the one you love... to let her go, because she's not happy... how hard is this? I never thought..."

"Okay Superceo, let me keep up with the alcohol first, cause you're not making much sense to me right now..." I say with a smile. Her big puppy eyes stare at me as I get up and head to the fridge. Feeling her gaze on me is thoroughly odd. It's both, the feeling of having to take care of a child and being watched by lustful eyes in a crowded bar.

"I hate the nickname... Superceo... how did you ever come up with that?"

"You don't know?"

"No."

An actual chuckle leaves my chest as I open a bottle of white wine that belongs to Lydia. She'll be back in two days, enough time to buy another one.

"Five years and you're suddenly complaining about that now?" I say. Lena shrugs, already spreading out on the sofa. "Hey, I want to sit there, too. Make way!"

"Make me!"

It takes me a second to deal with that response. Cheeky Lena isn't new to me, but I haven't seen her very often. It's this special side of her that only ever comes out when she's completely relaxed, not worrying about her reputation or other people's responses. Normal Lena is very reserved and it's not the first time I find myself weirdly attracted to this version of the usual stiff Lena Luthor.

I only walk over to the couch, holding her feet up to take a seat before placing them into my lap.

"One day at the bar, Alex and I heard someone talking about that article in the National City News... you know the one about Lena Luthor, CEO of L-Corp kissing Supergirl and someone at the table next to us called you Superceo. It's silly, I don't even know how that stuck around."

"I was hoping for a fun story..."

"Sorry about that... I'm... not really in the mood for fun stories..."

We sit in silence for a while. At least, I'm sitting while Lena is half lying on the couch, watching me sipping my wine from time to time.

"Five years... and we never really spend an evening together... I mean just the two of us..." Lena mumbles, fumbling with the fabric of my sleeve.

"We did. Kara's earth birthday last year. You had tickets for this musical and I talked Alex into spending the night with Kara. You went there with me instead."

"I remember... that was a beautiful night." Lena says, but it's the sudden change in her voice that tells me she's already thinking about what came after that. A day after that night, things between Kara and Alex had started to change. I remember talking to Alex about the musical while she sat next to Kara on the couch, which hadn't happened in weeks.

"Do you think..." Lena starts. I feel her tensing up, her left foot twitching in my lap. "That night... something must've happened between them, don't you think?"

She keeps watching me intensely and I know it's useless to talk her out of it. Of course something must've happened between them.

"Yeah, I guessed that. What do you think? Did they-" Lena says, very well interpreting the look on my face, but I don't want to hear that.

"We shouldn't talk about that." I answer, finally drawing my gaze away from her. "We shouldn't even think about what might've happened or when they... if... I don't think they ever did... at all..."

"Oh, come on, it's been days. They did it, I'm sure they did..." Lena's voice breaks away. For a second I'm not sure whether she's about to vomit or whether she's starting to cry.

"I met Kara today... she said they're taking it slowly and you know them... they keep dancing around it... they're hurt too, you know? Whatever is going on between them, they still have to go through these breakups as much as we do."

I finish the bottle of wine, even though it's starting to taste disgustingly sour. Cheap wine really is only good for getting drunk. I usually don't drink much and it's all it takes to get me drunk. A single bottle of cheap white wine.

"You're right... I tend to forget that... it's painful for all of us..." Lena whispers, eyes closed and head bedded on my goddamn pillow. I think she's close to falling asleep and it's the last thing I need now.

"Hey, Superceo, don't fall asleep on my couch. You've got a whole apartment to yourself!"

"Yeah, but it's full of Kara's stuff... just... stay with me for a while, will you? I don't want to be alone now..."

Lena's eyes open a bit and I can clearly see the desperation in them. She's right, I suddenly think. We share our pain.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho Ho Ho dear readers, I hope the christmas mood has reached you all. I know it's been a while... I had to get over the Supergirl-news regarding the Sanvers breakup. Jesus Christ I did not see that coming, it's heartbreaking! I completely forgot about the new season and by the time I realized that it continued we were already at episode 6 or 7. Now I'm scared to start watching season 3...
> 
> Anyways... here is my christmas present for you! Enjoy :)

A strand of hair tickles her nose and I'm tempted to wipe it away, but I enjoy the twitching of her nose way too much. Her eyelids flutter while the restlessness comes back into her body. She's only seconds away from fully waking up and it makes me feel so unbelievably excited. Something's so different lately, an unknown passion has been lingering around over the last couple of days. We've been recovering from the emotional exhaustion and things finally seem to get normal again. Except for the little fact that we're together, that I watch her every morning now, touch her face at night when she's having a troubling dream or kiss her goodbye when I leave. Other than that, we keep doing the stuff we've always done. She still smiles lovingly at me when I steal her cup of coffee or kisses me on the cheek when I tell her a silly joke that she doesn't find funny at all. It's more like a greater update to an already great thing and I still cannot believe how perfect this is. All of it. There's just one thing that starts to drive me seriously insane.

"How long have you been watching me?" she whispers with a smile, eyes still closed, but her head moves a little closer to mine.

"I lost track of time... watching you is kinda mesmerizing..."

"Cheesy you..."

She craves a kiss, I can tell because she stretches her neck so that I have an even better view at her. I slowly get closer, close enough for her to feel my breath on her face. My gaze wanders from her lips to her still closed eyes and the long, dark eyelashes, that seem oddly perfect.

"Unfortunate... that good-morning-kisses are so cheesy, too..." I breathe to her lips, careful not to touch them, before I withdraw.

I almost feel her fully coming back from her sleep now, her body vibrates with vitality as she finally opens her eyes and moves to pin me down the mattress.

She doesn't look tired anymore. Her eyes are filled with a fiery glance, but it's not the first time I've seen her like this.

"I'm sorry I backed away last night..." she whispers against my lips before finally kissing me gently and I suddenly wonder if the butterflies will ever go away. "I was... intimidated..."

"By what?" I ask her. My hand's already under her shirt and on her back, relishing the softness of her skin and the feeling of her muscles flexing as she tenses and relaxes.

"It's you..."

Her voice sounds deeply desperate. It's the same desperation that presses her body deeper into mine, that lets her roll her hips into mine.

I kiss her, cause I fail to describe how I feel about this. I know the struggle, I share it with her. It's Alex, my Alex, her smell in my nose, her warm, vibrating hand on my stomach and her goddamn knee between my legs and I'm just a whimpering mess in her arms already.

She's trembling as she pulls my shirt over my head, trembling as she fumbles with the clasp of my bra and I'm so afraid of loosing it, cause my heart flutters so intensely that I almost cannot feel my hands anymore. I'm so afraid of hurting her by being too passionate, but just as I think about stopping, I see her face as she looks at my chest and it leaves me breathless for a second or two...

I didn't think she could tremble any more, but she does, now that her fingers touch my right breast so softly that I almost can't feel it.

"Alex..." I whisper, not really knowing what it is that I want to tell her. She looks at me with tears in her eyes, fully cupping my breast before moving her hand over my heart. "You're being absolutely cheesy..." I whisper with a smile.

She chokes a little on her laugh. Her kisses tell me everything. I focus on the sound of her heartbeat, but I keep hearing the rustling of the sheets, the heavy breaths that come out of her mouth in between the kisses she's placing down my body, the soft creaking of the bed under our uncontrolled movements. It's the most beautiful and mesmerizing melody I've ever heard.

I carefully take my hand out of her hair as she closes her mouth on my nipple and immediately grab the headboard, cause I don't trust myself with her, not when it feels like this and it does feel so much better than I had ever imagined.

A short moan leaves me, but I'm sure Alex doesn't hear it, cause it's happening simultaneously with the loud ringing of the telephone.

"You're not...?" she asks, placing kisses down my belly and her hand... for gods sake her hand is already fumbling with the button of my jeans.

"Hell no..."

"Why are you fully dressed anyway?"

"Bakery..."

I feel her fingertips grazing my pubic bone through the light fabric of my pants as she's undoing the zipper, finally pulling the jeans down. It's happening. It's finally happening. It's Alex. It's my Alex and the look on her face as she's moving back to hover over me. We've seen each other in underwear before... even seen each other naked, but this... like... touching...

"Hi, this is Kara Danvers. Unfortunately I'm not at home, but if you leave a message, I'll call you back asap. BEEEEEP... Kara, honey, I just called Lena to ask her for any plans for your birthday, but... well she says you broke up. I just... wanted to check on you... five years are a very long time, I understand that you need time... but if you want to talk... you know I'm here and you can visit for a family weekend if you need a change... I'm sure Alex comes, too, in times like these everyone needs a sister. Just think about it. I Love you... BEEEEP."

We're completely frozen. My eyes are fixated on the endless whiteness of the ceiling and I can't feel Alex's skin on mine anymore.

"Oh god, I'm feeling sick!" she says out of the sudden and moves back to her side of the bed, "What do we do now?"

"I don't know, I didn't really have time to think about this. I mean breaking up with Lena was one thing and then this whole thing with... like... to be honest I wasn't really thinking much about anything else than kissing you."

Her breathing is still heavy, but now I realize it's out of panic. I move my head to look at her, but she's covering her face with her hands.

"Oh god... what do we do? What will she say? She's going to disown me!"

"What? No! Alex she'd never do that!" I reach for her hands, because I crave to see her face, but she's sitting up under what seems to be a wave of panic. We'd known that we'd have to face this at some point, but it had been so far away between everything else.

"No you don't understand..." she whispers into her hands, shaking again. "I'm her daughter, the perfect little princess that has to live up to the expectations. She'd never understand that Kara. She'll blame me!"

"She's your mother and she loves you. Maybe she won't understand it right away, maybe she'll never understand... but I'm sure blaming you is the least thing she'd do. She was so sweet about our coming outs, she just wants us to be happy..."

Alex stays silent for what seems like an eternity. I don't dare to move, because I literally feel her thinking.

"This is different from anything we had to face before and we faced a lot. I'm sure that's the one thing she won't be able to deal with..." It's barely a whisper that comes out of her mouth. I finally find the courage to move again and I do the only thing that seems right. I pull her back into my arms, back on the mattress. Her body is so limp, the complete opposite of the strong bundle of passion that has undressed me just minutes ago. As soon as the blanket hides us, she's using the last bit of passion that is left to press herself into me. I place a kiss on her head and wrap my arms around her, careful not to overuse my powers. I've always thought of Alex as the stronger one, but right now I remember again how fragile she really is.


End file.
